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THE LAUGHING WILLOW 



OLIVER HERFORD 



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THE 

LAUGHING WILLOW 

VERSES AND PICTURES 

BY 

OLIVER HERFORD 

Author of "Artful Antics," "The Child's Primer of Natural 

History," "Overheard in a Garden," "Fairy Godmother- 

in-Law," "Astonishing Tale of a Pen and Ink 

Puppet," "The Confessions of a 

Caricaturist," etc. 




NEW YORK 
GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 



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Copyright, 1918, 
By George H. Doran Company 



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Printed in the United States of America 
©CLA508684 






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TO PEG 

Oh, should some power the giftie gie her 
To see herseV as ithers see her, 
Vm thinking Peg would grow sae vain 
He'd take the giftie back again. 



CONTENTS 
THE LAUGHING WILLOW 

PAGE 

Epitaphs 9 

The Truth About Russia 11 

The Wedding Feast 11 

A Mujik 12 

The Cossack 13 

The Three S's 14 

The Air Raid 15 

Vale Diabole 18 

The Wrong Floor 21 

Marching to Berlin 23 

Target Practice 26 

The Sausage Balloon 27 

Concerning the Crown Prince 28 

Camouflage 31 

The Tank 32 

The Bird-Man 33 

Frenzylogical Chart 34 

Britannia Salvatrix 35 

Father Wilhelm 37 

The Touching Ballad of General von Beers . 40 

An Imperial Sneeze 45 

The Rubaiyat of Billi Kaisam 52 

War Relief 57 

Summer Mass 58 

vii 



Contents 

ABOUT PEOPLE I HAVE MET PAGE 

J. M. Barrie 61 

The Horse 63 

The Town Cat 65 

Towser 68 

The Oyster 70 

The Mouse 71 

PEOPLE I HAVE NOT MET 

The Turtle yy 

Michael O'Leary 79 

Clorinda 82 

Alcibiades J. Skinner 85 

Eve 90 

The High Brow Hen 91 

Sir Ippykin 92 

The Psychology Cop 95 

Phyllis Lee 97 

Mrs. Seymour Fentolin 99 

The Devil Among the Ladies 101 

Spring 105 

The Catfish 108 

The Prodigal Centipede 109 

A Ballade of Black Socks in 

OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING MARK TWAIN 

The Gentlemen of Letters 115 

The Women of the Better Class 118 

Mark Twain 121 

Prince Pompom 124 

The Serial 126 

The Cloud 130 

viii 



THE LAUGHING WILLOW 



To see the Kaiser's epitaph 

Would make a weeping willow laugh. 



THE LAUGHING WILLOW 
EPITAPHS 

WixWv &\\\V 

Here lies Willy's mortal clay 
In its Mother Earth's caresses. 

Willy's soul has flown away — 
Where it is you have two guesses. 

I&txt lies; Jgtll 

Here lies Bill, the son of Fred. 
He lied alive; he now lies dead. 

Wtavti, 3b!e ®ear£ 

Oh, stranger, dry the starting tear! 
Kaiser Bill is buried here. 

'Neath this stone lies Kaiser Bill. 
He sought for peace — he seeks it still. 

[9] 



The Laughing Willow 



3&equte£cat 

Here Wilhelm sleeps. For Mercy's sake, 
Tread softly, friend, lest he should wake! 



atefje* to &£i)e* 

Swallow him, O Earth, for he, 
Did his best to swallow thee. 



[10] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA 




THE WEDDING FEAST 

This is a Russian Wedding Feast; 
Counting the Groom, there are at least 
A hundred sitting down to dine, 
Or let us call it ninety-nine: 
For more than that there is no room, 
And no one ever counts the Groom! 

[11] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA— [Continued] 
A MUJIK 

The Mujik wears a costume weird 

Consisting of a fuzzy beard, 

A sheep-skin blouse (the wool inside) 

And breeks astonishingly wide, 

Made from the fur of North sea Whales, 

And Yak-hide boots with big brass nails. 




[12] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA— [Continued] 




THE COSSACK 

The Cossack is so much at home 
Upon his horse, that though he roam 
From Vladivostok to Odessa, 
His wife has only to address a 
Letter to Ivan "care his Horse" 
To catch her Spouse, unless of course, 
As sometimes happens, Ivan may 
Have swapped addresses on the way. 

[13] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA— [Continued] 

THE THREE S'S 

Without a doubt the Samovar 
The Steppes and Russian Sables are 
Of all things Russian the best known; 
So in this picture I have shown 




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A Sable sitting on a flight 
Of Russian Steppes, before a bright 
New Samovar, calm as can be, 
Brewing a cup of Russian Tea. 

[14] 



The Laughing Willow 




THE AIR RAID 



Come into the cellar, Maud. 

Get a move on! Goodness gracious, 

There is nothing to applaud 

In bravado ostentatious ! 

Still Maud lingered, all unheeding, 

As the Siren sounded twice; 

Above the din her voice came pleading, 

"Are you sure there's no mice 4 ?" 



ii 



Above the pandemonium 
Of Siren shrill and warning Drum 
And Aircraft Gun is heard the roar 
Of little Freddy, aetat four; 



[15] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE AIR RAID— [Continued] 

The cellar dark and dank and dim 

No fascination has for him, 

The little darling wants to be 

Upstairs upon the roof and see 

The "fireworks!" "If you ask me — " 

Aunt Kate was overheard to say, 

"I'd let the dear child have his way!" 

in 

A hidden Crime, however slight, 
Is sure some day to see the light; 
Oh, why did Auntie come to stay 
With us upon an Air-raid day! 
Why did we never think to tell her 
That there were Lizards in the cellar 
Or Spiders or an Open Drain! 
How shall we ever now explain 
That "Antique Vase" we said was lost, 
That Nile green horror, gold embossed, 
Her Wedding Present — there it lay 
Before her eyes, as plain as day ! 
We almost wished a bomb would fall 
Upon the house and end it all ! 

IV 

Who is that cowardly Jack Horner 
Crouching there in the darkest corner, 

[16] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE AIR RAID— [Continued] 

Behind the furnace? Look again, 

That is no cringing coward, when 

Your eyes become accustomed to 

The darkness of the cellar, you 

Will see it is no other than 

Philander Jones and Marian; 

Make no mistake, Philander's dread 

Is not a Zeppelin overhead, 

But that rude moment when he'll hear 

The beastly Siren sound "All's clear!" 



"Where is Molly?" Like a Shell, 

Short and sharp, the question fell, 

Scattering every one pell mell 

From the cellar's safe retreat 

Through the house on panic feet, 

Basement, Attic — everywhere 

They sought, one hope remained and there 

On the Drying-roof they found her, 

Shrapnel flashing all around her, 

Calm and cool 'mid war's alarms, 

Hugging something in her arms. 

"Ps all right — don't cwy!" said Molly, 

"I tame back to det my dolly !" 



[»7] 



The Laughing Willow 



VALE DIABOLE 



At a recent church conference it was decided to drop the 
Devil from the ritual. 



Well ! Well ! so you've been fired, 
You've lost your job at last. 

It's high time you retired, 
Old Boy, you're failing fast. 




[18] 



The Laughing Willow 



VALE DIABOLE— [Confirmed] 

You're getting old, you know it, 

You are not in the race. 
Admit you cannot go it, 

The killing, modern pace. 

Your methods are too dull for 
The modern school of Hate, 

Your lake of burning sulphur 
Is sadly out of date. 

The Hohenzollern's Kultur 

Mocks at your fiery pits, 
His double-headed vulture 

Has put yours on the fritz. 

Beside the fierce, blaspheming, 

Mail-fisted Kaiser Bill,* 
You are a seraph beaming, 

An angel of good-will. 

But tho' we can't deny, sir, 
You're hopelessly outclassed, 

You've one thing on the Kaiser, 
Which is, tho' first and last 

[19] 



The Laughing Willow 



VALE DIABOLE— [Conthwed] 




A failure as a devil, 

Yet boast of this you can: 
You were always on the level — 

And — you are a gentleman! 



[20] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE WRONG FLOOR 



A certain Emperor 

(This is a censored tale) 

Once pounded on the door 
Of heaven with fist of mail 



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Cried Peter from within, 
Awakened by the row, 

"Stop that infernal din! 
Who are you, anyhow?'' 



[21] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE WRONG FLOOR— [Continued] 

"Don't bandy words with me!" 

Thundered the visitor. 
"All doors to me are free. 

I am the Emperor." 

"If you're an Emperor," 
Said Peter, "then I fear 

You've come to the wrong floor. 
We take no Emperors here. 

"Our waiting list is filled 
With martyrs brave and true 

Whose blood an Emperor spilled. 
There is no room for you." 

Cowed by Saint Peter's look, 
The Emperor, with a frown, 

Cried, "Well, I'm damned !" and took 
The elevator — down. 



[22] 



The Laughing Willow 



MARCHING TO BERLIN 

We come from God's own country in the ships of 

Uncle Sam; 
We're going to get the william-goat of Kaiser 

Will — i — am; 
We know it is verboten, but we do not give a 
damn, 

As we go marching to Berlin ! 
(Drums) Berlin! Berlin! 

Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! 
As we go marching to Berlin ! 



Refrain 

Hurray! Hurray! We'll wave the Stripes and 

Stars ! 
Away, away with Emperors and Czars ! 
And when we get the Kaiser we'll put him behind 

the bars, 

As we go marching to Berlin ! 
(Drums) Berlin ! Berlin ! etc. 

[23] 



The Laughing Willow 



MARCHING TO BERLIN— [Continued] 

We're from the dear old U. S. A., the Land of 

Liberty; 
We've crossed a hundred rivers and three thousand 

miles of sea 
To teach the Huns a thing or two about Democracy, 

As we go marching to Berlin! 
(Drums) Berlin! Berlin! etc. 



Refrain 

Hurray! Hurray! We'll show the Prussian swine 
That Freedom is the only Right Divine, 
And when we catch old Kaiser Bill we'll pitch him 
in the Rhine, 

As we go marching to Berlin! 
(Drums) Berlin ! Berlin ! etc. 

We've left our happy homes that we may help to 

win the war. 
We're a million strong already, and there'll soon be 

millions more; 
And when the job is done with Kaiser Bill we'll 

mop the floor, 

As we go marching to Berlin! 
(Drums) Berlin! Berlin! etc. 

[24] 



The Laughing Willow 



MARCHING TO BERLIN— [Continued] 

Refrain 

Hurray ! Hurray ! We're going to make it hot 
For all the bloody Hohenzollern lot, 
And when we get the Kaiser we'll present him to 
his Gott, 

As we go marching to Berlin ! 
(Drums) Berlin! Berlin! 

Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! 

As we go marching to Berlin! 



[2?] 



The Laughing Willow 



TARGET PRACTICE 



At the Imperial schiitzenfest 
Fritz Pickelheim led all the rest; 



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At target practice Pickelheim 
Could hit the Red Cross every time; 

At the clay-baby contest Fritz 
Scored nineteen out of twenty hits; 



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And once he won the Kaiser's purse 
With nine live babies and a nurse. 

[26] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE SAUSAGE BALLOON 

I often wonder, when we fry 
A Sausage, if its thoughts can fly 




Across the billowy ocean wave 

To where its namesake stern and brave 

Floats like a Guardian Angel, high 

Above our armies, in the sky, 

Serene and stately as a cloud. 

No wonder Sausages are proud ! 

No wonder Sausages when fried 

Oft-times swell up and burst with pride ! 

[27] 



The Laughing Willow 



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CONCERNING THE CROWN PRINCE 



When Crown Prince Willy goes to bed 
It is his wont to lay his head 
Upon the pillow and extend 
His feet towards the other end. 
"But does he really wear his hat 
In bed?" you ask — well, as to that 
I cannot say, I never saw him, 
But that's the way J always draw him. 



II 



The thing that Germans most admire 
Is Crownie's coolness under fire. 
[28] 



The Laughing Willow 



CONCERNING THE CROWN PRINCE— [Continued] 

He loves to watch it gleam and glow 
'Mid fragrant smoke, an inch or so 
Above his nose as he reclines 
In some Chateau behind the lines; 
If the Crown Prince had his desire 
He would be always under fire! 

in 

When you or I get up at eight 
We do not have to cogitate 
And rack our brains concerning just 
Which suit to wear, as Princes must; 
The Crown Prince has a hundred suits, 
Including hats and belts and boots, 
Yet such his master-mind, he knows 
Which he must wear and just what goes 
With what, which chevron, sash or sword, 
Each in his Royal Head is stored, 
Down to the detail of a spur, 
All in a Nut-shell, as it were! 

IV 

Here is a most uncensored sight ! 
The Prince, in garb Pre-Adamite 
Taking (but tell it not in Gath) 
A good old English shower-bath! 

[29] 



The Laughing Willow 



CONCERNING THE CROWN PRINCE— [Continued] 



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TtmSY 



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The Prince's shy and shrinking habit 

Has earned for him the nickname "Rabbit." 

This irritates His Highness more 

Than all his country's grief and gore, 

It hurts his amour propre, for it's 

A clear case of the "Cap that fits." 

But don't you think, however funny, 

It's rather rough upon the Bunny? 



[30] 



The Laughing Willow 




CAMOUFLAGE 



If you can stand upon one spot 
And look like something you are not 
And wouldn't if you could be — say 
A Bean-bag or a Bale of Hay — 
You'll find it quite a useful stunt 
To practise on the Western Front; 
This picture shows how Private Dunne, 
Disguised as snow, deceived the Hun, 
Who could not possibly see through 
The Camouflage : no more can you ! 

[31] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TANK 

The Tank's a kind of cross between 

An Agricultural Machine 

And something fierce and Pliocene; 

Over embankments, trees, and walls, 

Trenches, barbed-wire, and forts it crawls; 

Nothing can stay its course — the Tank 

Has not the least respect for Rank 

Or File; with equal joy it squashes 

All things alike, men, beasts, and — Boches. 




[32] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE BIRD-MAN 



The Bird-man does not chirp and sing 
As Larks and Robins do in Spring, 
He does not moult nor does he feed 
On Earthworms or Canary-seed, 




Nor does the Bird-man build a nest 
In which his weary wings to rest; 
At night, instead, when he goes home 
To roost, he seeks an Aerodrome. 



[33] 



The Laughing Willow 



FRENZYLOGICAL CHART 




1. Humanity. 

2. Veneration. 

3. Love of Nature. 

4. Modesty. 

5. Imagination. 



6. Generosity. 

7. Compassion. 

8. Sympathy. 

9. Chivalry. 

10. Integrity. 



11. Love of Children. 



[34] 



The Laughing Willow 



BRITANNIA SALVATRIX 

Mistress of the Trident dread, 
With the brow of Artemis, 
Like Minerva, helmeted, 
Seven Seas her sandals kiss. 




[ 35 1 



The Laughing Willow 



BRITANNIA SALVATRIX— [Continued] 

Throbs a mighty heart withal 
Beneath her armour of Disdain. 
Not for naught did Belgium call, 
Servia has not cried in vain. 

When the gauge of Hate was hurled, 
Seven seas at her behest, 
From the corners of the world 
Brought the bravest and the best. 

From the utmost ends of earth, 
On their tireless waves they bore, 
To the Europe of their birth, 
Legions of the land and air, 

Spurning Peace, till Peace has brought 
Hohenzollern to his fall, 
And with the blood of Freemen bought 
A Place in Freedom's Sun for all. 



[36] 



The Laughing Willow 



FATHER WILHELM 

To the Tune of Lewis Carroll 




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4*J 

"You are old, Father Wilhelm," the Crown Prince 

said, 
"And the hair's growing thin on your pate; 
Do you think you are perfectly right in your head — 
The way you've been acting of late 4 ?" 

[37] 



The Laughing Willow 



FATHER WILHELM— [Continued] 

"In my youth," Father Wilhelm replied to his son, 
"I hated my honour to stain 
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 
Why, I do it again and again." 

"You are old," said the Prince, "and you're getting 

quite bent, 
And rheumatic, yet only just now, 
You turned a back somersault into your tent — 
Pray why did you do it, and how?" 

"In my youth," Kaiser Wilhelm replied to the 

Prince, 
"I kept all my muscles in training; 
And I've practised one thing that I learned, ever 

since — 
And that's to go in when it's raining." 

"You are old," said the Prince, "and your head 

is too light 
For anything stronger than water; 
Yet you talk without ceasing from morning till 

night ; 
Do you think, at your age, that you oughter?" 

"In my youth," said the Kaiser, "I lived upon raw 
Spanish onions, I ate with my knife; 

[38] 



The Laughing Willow 



FATHER WILHELM— [Continued] 

And the strength that those onions gave to my jaw 
Has lasted the rest of my life." 

"You are old," said the Kronprins, "and one would 

suppose, 
You would be just a little more humble; 
Yet you balance your crown on the end of your nose. 
Aren't you frightened some day it will tumble*?" 




"Your questions, my boy, are getting too free," 
The Kaiser with anger protested — 
"Your impudence borders on Lese Majeste.e; 
Be off, or I'll have you arrested." 

[39] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOUCHING BALLAD OF GENERAL VON BEERS 

To the Tune of W. 8. Gilbert 




Major Fritz - Schinkenwurst Hofbrau Von 

Beers 
Was the pride and the joy of the Pruss Grenadiers. 
You've guessed him a Prussian, shrewd reader, at 

sight, 
And a glance at his manners will prove you are right. 



In his fervour for "Frightfulness" Major Von Beers 
Acknowledged no betters and precious few peers. 

[40] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOUCHING BALLAD OF GENERAL VON BEERS- 

[Continued] 

And every one envied his well-earned repute 
For arson and pillage and rapine and loot. 



No symphony held such delectable tones 

For the ears of Von Beers as the shrieks and the 

groans 
Of women and children bombarded with shell, 
Or the crash of a hospital tumbling pell-mell. 



One day from Berlin came the order "Refrain 
For the present from Frightfulness. Start Press 

Campaign. 
Von Bernstorff has wired we're getting in wrong 
With the Yankees, so play up humanity strong." 



Loud, loud were the wailings of Hofbrau Von Beers. 

But duty is duty, so drying his tears, 

He purchased a volume by Peter F. Dunne 

On "How to be Civilised, though you're a Hun." 

[41] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOUCHING BALLAD OF GENERAL VON BEERS- 

[Contintied] 

He swatted up Honour, and Peace and Good-will 
For a year seven months and a fortnight until, 
You'll scarcely believe it, that Hun I declare 
Acouired a sort of a civilised air. 



It was balky, spasmodic and apt to take flight 
When a press correspondent was nowhere in sight. 
It was clumsy, uncertain and crude, I'm aware, 
Yet distinctly suggested a civilised air. 



He started at once a colossal campaign 
And filled correspondents with fibs and champagne, 
And the press correspondents all voted Von Beers 
A prince of good fellows, 'mid deafening cheers. 



Thenceforth when a soldier forgot to salute, 
Von Beers would use kindness instead of his boot. 
And he lectured a laggard he'd rather have shot, 
If a newspaper man chanced to be on the spot. 

[42] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOUCHING BALLAD OF GENERAL VON BEERS- 

[Continued] 




If a sentinel, smoking, he happened to catch, 
Instead of a hiding he gave him a match. 
A caress took the place of a clout on the ear, 
That is, when a war correspondent was near. 



He distributed photos of Godfearing Huns 
Feeding babies with Beef Broth, Bananas and Buns, 
And snapshots of Willie that caught his gay glance 
And others depicting him weeping for France. 

[43] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOUCHING BALLAD OF GENERAL VON BEERS 

[Continued] 

The fame of Von Hofbrau spread over the land, 
And rich Lady nurses proposed for his hand, 




And the Kaiser, All Highest, 'mid deafening tears 
Pinned a cast-iron Halo on Major Von Beers. 



[44] 



The Laughing Willow 



AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE 
A Sniffle in One Act 

CHARACTERS 

The German Emperor . . . 

Others not to be mentioned in the same cast. 

SCENE 

A luxurious dressing room adjoining the Em- 
peror's Bedroom. 

TIME 

This morning. The Emperor is discovered standing 
before a Cheval Glass. He is dressed in what is 
known as " Athletic Underwear" with plain black 
socks, upheld by Boston Garters. 

Emperor: It is not often that one sees 
An Emperor in B. V. D.'s. 

A knock is heard on the door. 

Emperor: Herein! 

A high officer enters with a telegram. 
A wire? 

[45] 



The Laughing Willow 



AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE— [Continued] 




Officer: Yes, Sire, a wire! 



Emperor: Tears open envelope. 
You may retire. 
Reads 

Von Hindenburg has wired to say 

Our noble troops have won the day 

Captured a Russian Samovar 

And several tons of caviar 

Vodka a fabulous amount 

And Droskys more than we can count 

The greatest battle of the war, 

[46] 



The Laughing Willow 



AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE— [Continued] 

Won by the Fourteenth Army Corps 
All honour to the Lord therefore, 
Likewise the Fourteenth Armv Corps. 

Chorus of Officers: 

All honour to the Lord therefore, 

Not to speak of the Fourteenth Army Corps. 

Emperor: 

The Lord Be Praised ! This cheering news 
Will cure my cold and banish my blues. 
I haven't felt anything like so well 
Since my gallant Navy with shot and shell 
Bombarded the Scarborough Infant School 
And the Orphan Asylum at Hartlepool. 

Chorus of Officers: 

He hasn't felt anything like so well 
Since the Babes were bombarded with shot 
and shell. 



pf&JM 





[47] 



The Laughing Willow 



AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE— [Continued] 

Emperor: 

Enough ! Enough ! Less cheering please 
With my nervous system it disagrees. 
Alas! My joy 
Is not without alloy. 

Looks at telegram sadly. 

Oh wretched me ! On this glorious day 
When I should have been in the thick of the 

fray 
I lay in bed 
With a cold in my head: 
Hot water bottles, Quinine and Squills 
Mustard Plasters, and Camphor Pills. 
And when they tell of this victory 
They do not so much as mention me! 
While peans of praise and plaudits pour 
On the Lord — and the Fourteenth Army 
Corps ! 

Weeps. 
Enter chorus of Highborn Lady Nurses bearing clin- 
ical thermometers. 
First Nurse: 

Oh Sire we entreat! 

Second Nurse: 

This is most indiscreet! 

[48] 



The Laughing Willow 



AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE— [Continued] 

Third Nurse: 

A temperature we dread — - 
Fourth Nurse: 

Oh please go back to bed — 
First Nurse: 

Please do as you are told, 

You have an awful cold. 
Emperor: Furious. 

A cold!! 
Nurse: 

I meant to say 

Broncho- Pneumonia. 
Emperor: 

Mine was no common plebeian ill, 

'Twas a Pneumo-Psycho-Bronchial chill 

According to my medical adviser 

I caught it when I walked upon the Yser. 
Nurse: 

You walked! 
Emperor: 

I should have said I tried — 

You see it was high tide 

And I was much annoyed 

To find the bridge destroyed. 

But never at a loss 

I tried to walk across. 

[49] 



The Laughing Willow 



AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE— [Continued] 

A ngrily 

But by the Eternal One 

I swear it can't be done 

And never was 

Stops suddenly and makes as if about to sneeze. 
Nurses regard him apprehensively . 
Emperor sneezes. 
First Nurse: 

Ach ! Himmel ! what a sneeze ! 
Second Nurse : 

Oh Sire ! Please ! 

Third Nurse: 

Oh please! 
Fourth Nurse : 

Your cold's gone to your head! 
All Together: 

You must go back to bed ! 
They seize the Emperor and pull him, struggling, 
through the door leading to the bedroom. 



Emperor: 

Nein ! Nein ! Unhand me, wenches ! 

My place is in the trenches. 
Enter High Officer. 

[50] 



The Laughing Willow 



AN IMPERIAL SNEEZK—[Continued] 

High Officer: Looks about him cautiously. 
Tis an ill wind they say 
That profits nobody, 
And this Imperial sneeze 
May bring us victories, 
With Him in bed there'll be 
Some chance for strategy. 
If on the other hand — 

Emperor: Heard off stage 

What ho! My horse! 

The Emperor enters 
High Officer: Anxiously 

You go? 
Emperor: Haughtily 

Of course! 

CURTAIN 



[51] 



The Laughing Willow 




THE RUBAIYAT OF BILLI KAISAM 



Surnamed the Tentbreaker 



Ah, Franz ! Could you and I with Gott conspire 
To grab this sorry little globe entire, 

Would we not shatter it to bits, and then 
Remould it nearer to our heart's desired 



ii 

You all know how, the world to overwhelm 
I made a second Sparta of my realm 

And "dropped the Pilot" from my ship of State 
To lay my own mailed fist upon the helm. 

[52]' 



The Laughing Willow 



THE RUBAIYAT OF BILLI KAISAM— [Continued] 

III 

And how myself did eagerly frequent 
Councils of war and heard great argument 

About it and about, and every year 
Came out with great and greater armament. 

IV 

For though in me and mine I set great store 
And thee and thine are terms that I abhor, 

Of all that one should care to fathom, I 
Was never deep in anything but — war. 



Bernhardi, Nietzsche, Treitschke, who discussed 
Of the "Next War," so wisely, they are thrust 

Like foolish prophets forth, their words to scorn 
Are scattered and their mouths are stopped with 
dust. 

VI 

With them the seed of warfare did I sow, 
And with mine own hand wrought to make it 
grow. 

[53] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE RUBAIYAT OF BILLI KAISAM— [Continued] 

And this is all the Harvest I have reaped: 
"I came like thunder — and like wind I go!" 

VII 

And lately from Hell's Cavern Door rose up 
A shape Titanic, ravening to sup 

On Living Human Fodder, and he bade 
Me give him taste of it; and 'twas — The Krupp. 

VIII 

The Krupp that can with Logic absolute 
The plans of modern Strategists confute 

The steel iconoclast that in a trice 
The strongest Fortress into Dust transmute. 

IX 

The Krupp no question makes of Aye and No, 
But strikes alike Cathedral or Chateau 

And I who send it out into the Field — 
I know about it all — I know — I know! 

x 

And much as War has made an infidel 
Of me, and robbed me of my honour, well 

[54] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE RUBAIYAT OF BILLI KAIS AM— [Continued] 

I often wonder what the Devil has 
One half so devilish as I — In Hell! 



XI 

Ah, but my innovations people say 
Placed war upon a sounder basis'? Nay, 

'Twas only striking from War's lexicon 
The terms truth, honour, decency, fair play. 

xii 

The Treaties that I set my seal upon 
Are turned to dust and ashes, which anon 

Like snowflakes falling in a muddy street 
Lighting a little hour or two are gone. 

XIII 

What if my sword can fling the Sheath aside 
And naked plunge into the crimson tide, 

Were't not a shame, were't not a shame for me, 
By a "mere scrap of paper" to abide? 

XIV 

Indeed, indeed, continually I swore 

For Peace — but was I solemn when I swore? 

[55] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE RUBAIYAT OF BILLI KAISAM— [Continued] 

And then — then came the Day and sword in 
hand 
My threadbare piety apieces tore. 



* 



* 



* 



xv 



From Europe's centre, through the Belgian gate 
I rode and at the Door of Paris sate. 

And many a city ravished by the road, 
But Paris — she is still immaculate. 



XVI 



Here was the Gate to which I found no key; 
Here was the Wall o'er which I might not see. 

Some little talk awhile of strategy 
There was, and then — good afternoon, Paree! 




[56] 



The Laughing Willow 




WAR RELIEF 




"Can you spare a Threepenny bit, 

Dear Miss Turkey," said Sir Mouse, 

"For Job's Turkey's benefit? 

I've engaged the Opera House !" 



"Alas! I've naught to spare!" 

Said Miss Turkey, "save advice, 
I am getting up a Fair, 
To relieve the Poor Church Mice." 

[57] 



The Laughing Willow 



SUMMER MASS 

In the cloisters of the grass, 
Lit by buttercups and daisies, 
Celebrants of summer mass, 
Little creatures sing their praises. 
From a myriad throbbing throats 
Rises up their song of Love, 
Like a mist of golden motes, 
To the Golden Throne above. 
And the good Lord, bending nigh, 
Quite forgets his house of stone 
Where the frightened sinners cry, 
And the frowning priests intone, 
And the saints (if saints they be) 
Smile and smile in effigy. 



[58] 



ABOUT PEOPLE I HAVE MET 



ABOUT PEOPLE I HAVE MET 

J. M. BARRIE 

A Round Robin from His Humble and Devoted Servants the 

Alphabet 

The Lord forgive if we trangress 

Thus to familiarly address 

One of our betters. 

But, Jamie, do you no recall 

The slate whereon you learned to scrawl 

Your Humble Letters'? 

Well we remember how you drew 
Our shapely features all askew, 
Unflattering really. 
You made A lame and B too fat. 
And C too curly — what of that! 
We loved you dearly. 

From that first day we owned your spell. 
And just because you used us well 

We served you blindly. 
Why, even when you put us through 
A fearsome Scottish reel, we knew 

You meant it kindly. 

[61] 



The Laughing Willow 



M. BARRIE— [Continued] 

Jamie, 'tis said Grand Tales there be 
Still biding in the ABC— 

If this be true, 
Quick, Jamie ! Cast your golden net. 
Maybe we have the grandest yet 

In store for you. 



[62] 



The Laughing Willow 



f i! <&^ 




THE HORSE 



^. The Horse, I don't mind telling you, 
Is not an easy thing to do. y&k 

°U3^ With Cats and Lions, I confess, 
I've had a measure of success; 



Likewise with Camels, Mice and Snails 

And Frogs and Butterflies and Whales. ^-JSl^U- 

[6 3 ] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE HORSE— [Continued] 




Eels and Rhinoc'ruses and Ants 



And Porcupines and Elephants >/ 



And Bees and Yaks and Owls. But when 



I try to draw a Horse, my pen 3jMlBr 




Sputters and scares the high-strung steed, 



Who gallops off at such a speed 





You have to take the beast on trust — - 
You can not see him for the dust. 






[6 4 ] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOWN CAT 



The melancholy days are come, 

The saddest of the year; 
Of houses closed and doorbells dumb 

And windows dark and drear. 




Now Dives to his country seat 
Has hied himself away, 

And Tabby turned into the street 
Must shift as best she may. 



! 
1 

• 1 
i! 

i 1 


1 1' 

i i 

i ! i 

1 ■ : j 

■■ 
" i ' 


.i 1 



[65] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOWN CAT— [Continued] 

No more the cushion soft as silk, 
The catnip ball no more; 

No more the saucer full of milk 
Behind the pantry door. 

Nor shall she in the temple prey 
Upon the lean church mouse; 

The good Lord, too, has gone away 
And closed his city house. 




[66] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TOWN CAT— [Continued] 

When Dives hies him back once more 
To his town house, oh, shame! 

Tabby will greet him at the door, 
But not — no, not the same. 



[67] 



The Laughing Willow 



TOWSER 



My hair hangs down on either side 

Like a Niagara small. 
Why is it this, my greatest pride, 

Should bring about my fall*? 





/ 

Why is it that my well brushed hair, 

That now so smoothly lies, 
As soon as I descend the stair 
Always gets in my eyes'? 
[68] 



The Laughing Willow 



TOWSEIt— [Continued] 

No wonder, thus deprived of sight, 

I step on empty air 
And to the bottom of the flight 

Rebound from stair to stair. 

I'm not the sort of dog that cares 
To make a fuss when hit ; 

But falling down a flight of stairs 
Is not the worst of it. 




As there I lie completely out 
Of breath and very flat, 

Why is it always some one stout 
That takes me for a mat? 



[6 9 ] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE OYSTER 



In Autumn, when the leaves are dead, 
They take us from our Oyster-bed, 
And all the winter long they keep 
Us up, without a wink of sleep — 




And doesn't it seem hard to you 
When Spring is here, and skies are blue, 
And we should like so much to stay, 
We have to be in bed by May *? 



[70] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE MOUSE 
A Study in Egotisms 

Scene: A drawing-room. 

Persons: Clarissa, the Mouse, Purrline. 

Clarissa : Help ! Help ! A Mouse ! 

Mouse: Don't be alarmed! I'm here! 

I hurried when I heard you scream — 

Clarissa: Oh, dear! 

If it jumps up at me I shall expire ! 

Mouse: If I may be permitted to enquire, 

Why are you standing there in such a fright, 
Upon a chair, clutching your frock so tight 
About your — 

Clarissa: Help! Oh dear! I wonder what 

That girl's about! Good heavens! I forgot 
It's Jane's day out. There's no one in the house 
But me — 

Mouse: Fair lady! I am but a Mouse, 

A simple Mouse, but underneath this fur 
There beats a heart whose motto is Sans Purr. 
To see a lovely female in distress 
Rouses in me the spirit of Noblesse. 

[71] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE MOUSE— [Contirmed] 

To her protection instantly I fly. 

No common Mus Domesticus am I ! 

You may have heard — 
Clarissa: If only Jane were here! 

What shall I do? 
Mouse: Dear lady, have no fear! 

As I was saying, doubtless you've heard tell 

How once a Mountain bore a Mouse-child. 
Well, 

/ was that Child ! Or rather, to be more 

Strictly veracious, 'twas my Ancestor; 

And sometimes when I dream of deeds Titanic 

I think that Mountain must have been Volcanic ! 

So have no fear! If any one should dare 

Molest you, I am here beneath your chair, 

Ready to spring — 
Clarissa: Mercy! I wonder why 

It squeaks like that ! It's crazy ! I shall die 

If it— 
Mouse : Sweet lady ! Though I cannot guess 

From your queer speech the cause of your dis- 
tress, 

Your voice, quite meaningless to my Mouse ear, 
Is strangely sweet and musical and clear; 

And, though they violate our beauty-laws, 

I never saw such shapely hinder paws 

[72] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE MOUSE— [Continued] 

As yours, so smooth and beautiful to see, 

So silky white, like sticks of celery. 

Upon each side a tender sprig of gold — 

Gold as pure Cheese, and toothsome to behold — 

Climbs up and up! 'Tis called, so I am told 

By Mice more versed in lady-lore, a Clock. 

Once, it is said, a Mouse named Dickery Dock 

Ran up the — 
Clarissa : Ouch ! ! ! 

Mouse: I wonder if I dare! 

Only the brave deserve — 
Clarissa: O Lord! This chair 

Is giving way! If it should break! — What's 
that? 

It's Purrline's mew! Here, Puss! Puss! — 
Mouse: What? The Cat! 

I'd love to meet him! But it's getting late. 

My wife's expecting me. I musn't wait! 

(Exit) 
Purrline: Me-ouw! 
Clarissa: And is that all you've got to say? 

Did you expect the Mouse to wait all day? 

For all you care, I might have died of fright ! 

My ! But I'm glad it got away all right ! 



curtain 

[ 73 ] 



PEOPLE I HAVE NOT MET 



PEOPLE I HAVE NOT MET 



THE TURTLE 



I never wasted any love 
On turtles, but the turtle-dove 

Is quite another thing; 
When I have nothing else to do, 
I love to hear them bill and coo 

While mating in the spring. 




There's something in their plaintive note 
That brings a lump into my throat 

And makes my pulses stir; 
Something between a smothered sn, 
And the shrill creaking of a door, 

That soothes me, as it were. 



[77] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE TURTLE— [Continued] 




How strange is Nature's alchemy, 
To think that living in the sea 

Should change a creature so! 
The turtle of the finny kind 
That swims the sea, is to my mind 

The lowest of the low. 




And yet, O inconsistency ! 
Although the turtle is to me 

A most obnoxious beast, 
When on a menu card I spy 
"Green Turtle, Soup," though it comes high, 

I take two plates at least ! 

[78] 



The Laughing Willow 



MICHAEL O'LEARY 

When forming one of a storming party which advanced 
against an enemy's barricade, O'Leary rushed to the front 
and himself killed five Germans who were holding the first 
barricade, after which he attacked the second barricade, 
about sixty yards further on, which he captured after killing 
three of the enemy and making prisoners of two more. 



You may talk of the Rebels of Ulster 
And the shindy we had to chuck; 

But we don't give a rap for a family scrap 
Whin the Prooshuns is running amuck. 

Did you hear how Lance Corporal O'Leary, 

Mike O'Leary of the Guards, 
Wid his own two mits, tore a forthress to bits 

Like a blissed conthraption of cards. 

He'd a shmile, had Mike, that 'ud span a dyke, 

And a fist that 'ud fell a horse, 
And he ripped through the mire of blood and 
barbed wire, 

Like a bull through a bunch of gorse. 

[79] 



The Laughing Willow 



MICHAEL O'LEARY— [Continued] 




Whin he waded in, sure 'twas a sin, 

The way that he bashed and bruk 'em; 

He dropped on thim Huns like forty tons, 
And they niver knew what had struck 'em. 

"Poor dears," says Mike, "I'm thinking belike 
All the news they've been told is lies, 

So it's up to me, 'ere it's kilt they be, 
To put the poor divils wise. 

"Thim Huns, I'm told, while outrageous bold 

Is over a trifle dull. 
Sure, if that's a fact, 'tis a friendly act 

To hammer it through their skull. 

[80] 



The Laughing JVillow 



MICHAEL O'LEARY— [Continued] 

"So here's for insulting old Erin, 
By thinking a thraitor she'd be ! 

And here's for your Imperor sneerin' ! 
'Contemptible army,' says he. 

"Here's one for the mothers whose pleadin' 
You stopped with a shot and a curse, 

And one for the girls dead and bleedin' 
And the girls that you spared — for worse. 

"For the churches you shelled and the priests 
you felled 

Here's one! And the women, too, 
You held for a shield on the battle held, 

And the innocent babes you slew." 

Whin O'Leary had done, there was divil a one 
Left to tumble to what he said — 

Barrin' only ten, which I'm wrong again, 
For eight av the ten was dead. 



[8!] 



The Laughing Willow 




Above the plate-glass window-pane, 

Inviting every passing gaze, 
Hung an inscription, large and plain, 

"The Husband Shop." This, in amaze, 
Clorinda seeing, stopped wide-eyed, 
And stared, then turned and stepped inside. 



A floor- walker whose faultlessness 

And condescending air proclaimed 
One of the table d'haute noblesse, 

[82] 



The Laughing Willow 



CLORINDA— [Continued] 

Approached Clorinda and exclaimed, 
With graceful undulating palm : 
"Something in husbands'? Qui, Madame.'" 



"We have the latest thing of all 
In husbands; kindly step this way. 

We're using them on hats this fall, 
In place of plume or floral spray, 

The creature being pinned or tied 

With chiffon bows on either side." 



He leads the way, all wreathed in smiles, 
And wonderful in spotless spats 

That flitter like twin butterflies 
Along an avenue of hats, 

Each one displaying on its brim 

A husband — fashion's latest whim. 



Clorinda tries them each in turn 

Before the glass; some are too small, 

And some too cold, and some too stern, 
And some are slightly soiled, and all, 

When punctured by the hat-pin's steel, 

Betray by squirms how bored they feel. 

[83] 



The Laughing Willow 



CLOR IND A— [ Continued] 

At last Clorinda came to one 

Marked "Dibbs" that scarce seemed worth her 
while; 
But when she tried it on for fun, 

It met the hat-pin with a smile, 
As if to say, "Oh, beauteous miss, 
Even a stab from you is bliss!" 

"The very thing! but thrown away 

Upon a hat!" Clorinda cried. 
" 'T would make a sweet corsage bouquet." 

The shoppers stared electrified, 
To see Clorinda Dibbs depart 
Wearing a husband next her heart. 



[8 4 ] 



The Laughing Willow 



ALCIBIADES J. SKINNER 

Alcibiades J. Skinner 
Was a famous after-dinner 

Speaker. Great the way 
He secured, just by excelling 
In the art of Story Telling, 

One good meal a day. 



Chestnuts more than often passe 
He exchanged for Marrons Glaces, 
Canvasback and Ouail. 

<v 

Flat the feast and dull the dinner 
Lacking that accomplished Spinner 
Of Postprandial Tale. 



Every mail brought invitations: 
Teas and luncheons and collations, 

Dinners without end. 
No one to a Formal Function 
Such impressiveness, such unction, 

Such eclat could lend. 

[85] 



The Laughing Willow 



ALCIBIADES J. SKINNER— [Continued] 

At that gruesomest of gruesome 
Rites, The Banquet tendered to some 

Literary Light, 
None could say with such conviction, 
"We have Snooks of Snappy Fiction 

In our midst To-night." 

How he said it made no matter; 
Shaft of Wit or Broadway Patter 

Meets with like acclaim. 
Latest Mot or Jest Historic, 
To the dinner guest plethoric 

It is all the same. 

When he said, "This moment finds me 
Unprepared," or, "That reminds me," 

There would be a hum 
Of expectance, or a rippling 
As though Daniel (or Kipling) 

Had to Judgment come. 

Alas for Fame ! As A. J. Skinner 
Put it at the Author's Dinner, 

"Fame's a fickle Jade!" 
Had he then an intimation 
That his own wide reputation 

Was ere long to fade? 
[86] 



The Laughing Willow 



ALCIBIADES J. SKINNER— [Continued] 

From that day his after-dinner 
Stories thinner grew and thinner. 

Sorry was his case. 
Rare the dinner invitation, 
Rarer still the lunch — Starvation 

Stared him in the face. 

One day as his eye was wandering 
O'er a map, he fell to pondering : 

"If I cross the Main, 
Somewhere 'twixt the Poles and Tropics 
I may find some brand new Topics 

For my food campaign!" 

So one Friday A. J. Skinner 
Bought a passage and an "Inner" 

On a sailing ship; 
Not for sport or relaxation, 
Not for rest or recreation — 

'Twas a business trip. 

Fatal trip, had he but known it ! 
Or a Fortune Teller shown it 

Written on his palm! — 
How one morning bright and sunny, 
With a breeze as soft as honey, 

And a sea as calm — 

[87] 



The Laughing Willow 



ALCIBIADES J. SKINNER— [Continued] 

Somewhere in the South Pacific 
There would spring up a terrific 

Tropical typhoon — 
Smite their helpless ship and bear it 
On a mountain wave and tear it 

Like a Toy Balloon. 

Luckily for Mr. Skinner, 

When she sank he was not in her. 

Clinging to a Spar, 
Being, too, an expert swimmer, 
Soon he saw the breakers' glimmer 

On a sandy bar. 

Lucky, did I say? Appalling 

Choice of words ! Would you when crawling 

Up a Sandbank gritty, 
On firm land a foothold winning, 
Call it luck to meet a grinning 

Cannibal Committee'? 

Well, to make a long narration 
Shorter (by abbreviation), 

Soon as he was sighted 
Alcibiades J. Skinner 
To a most select Shore Dinner 

Was at once invited. 
[88] 



The Laughing Willow 



ALCIBIADES J. SKINNER— [Continued] 

Never had the South Pacific 
Witnessed such a beatific 

Banquet as was here. 
Never was such mirth unbounded 
As when that far beach resounded 

With unwonted cheer. 

vix V*X *<./■ -J* *•>- xj^ vl* 

Epicures on South Sea beaches 

Waste no time on Toasts and Speeches; 

Happy dreams had they. 
In their midst was A. J. Skinner, 
Most nutritious After-Dinner 

Speaker of his day. 



[8 9 ] 



The Laughing Willow 



EVE 
Apropos tie Rien 



It is not fair to visit all 
The blame on Eve, for Adam's fall; 
The most Eve did was to display 
Contributory neglige. 



[90] 



The Laughing Willow 




THE HIGHBROW HEN 



Said Farmer Dole to his speckled hen, 
"Why don't you lay for me now and then?" 
Said the speckled hen to Farmer Dole, 
"Because I've taken up birth control." 



[91] 



The Laughing Willow 



SIR IPPYKIN 



Grim Giant Graft sate in his cavern dim; 

A king's reward was offered for him dead. 
He scowled to think it could not come to him, 

That price upon his head. 



Of all his foes he dreaded only one, 

A knight of stalwart heart and spotless fame, 

Who feared no creature underneath the sun — 
Sir Ippykin his name. 



One night to Ippykin there came a thought — 
A mocking thought, that whispered in his ear: 

"Ah, ha, Sir Knight ! men say thou fearest naught; 
They lie — thou fearest Fear! 



Fear smites you when you read the king's decree 
That whatsoever knight shall rid the land 

Of Giant Graft will gain a golden fee, 
Likewise his daughter's hand, 

[92] 



The Laughing Willow 



SIR IPPYKIN— [Continued] 

You fear to win, for fear that you must wed 
The princess — for you love another maid; 

You dare not lose the fight because you dread 
Lest men call you afraid." 

Cried Ippykin, "Lord, how shall I cut through 
This tangled coil?" Then of a sudden laughed 

A gleeful laugh, and rose and hied him to 
The cave of Giant Graft. 

No chronicler was present to reveal 

What passed between the knight and Giant 
Graft ; 
Or what the bargain was the which to seal 

So many horns they quaffed. 

But this is sure — thereafter from the lands 
Of Ippykin once every week would stray 

Certain fat sheep into the Giant's hands 
In some mysterious way; 

And once a week the giant and the knight 

Would chase each other round in seeming strife, 

Until the king grew weary of the sight, 
And pensioned both for life. 

[93] 



The Laughing Willow 



SIR IPPYKIN— [Continued] 

Then Ippykin and his true love were wed 
And both lived happy till they passed away; 

But Giant Graft, fat, flagrant, and well fed, 
Is living to this day. 



[94] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE PSYCHOLOGY COP 

The New York Police Force is to be instructed in psychol- 
ogy. — News Item. 

One morn, as Robert Rist watch Rice 
Sped Cktldsward for his midday meal, 

Upon his shoulder, like a vise, 
He felt a grip of steel. 

And in his ear a voice there hissed 
(With spirits fraught, and crime), 

And something snapped around his wrist 
That did not tell the time. 

"I've pinched yer now!" (devoid of tact 
Was Sergeant Fay). "For shame! 

Yer Hun! I caught yer in the act 
Insultin' that there dame! 



"That skirt there in the showy lid, 

And muff of classy fur." 
"My word!" cried Robert Rice, "I did 

Not even speak to her." 

[95] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE PSYCHOLOGY COP— [Continued] 

"What's words to me, just froth and foam! 

I'm a psycholic guy — 
I lamp yer thoughts inside yer dome 

With my subconscious eye !" 

"Then you should know," said Rice, "I'm a 

Misogynist!" — "By Gee! 
That settles you!" cried Sergeant Fay; 

"You come along with me." 



[96] 



The Laughing Willow 




PHYLLIS LEE 



Beside a Primrose 'broider'd Rill 
Sat Phyllis Lee in Silken Dress 

Whilst Lucius limn'd with loving skill 
Her likeness, as a Shepherdess. 

Yet tho' he strove with loving skill 

His Brush refused to work his Will. 

[97] 



The Laughing Willow 



PHYLLIS LEE [Continued] 

"Dear Maid, unless you close your Eyes 

I can not paint to-day," he said; 
"Their Brightness shames the very Skies 

And turns their Turquoise into Lead." 
Quoth Phyllis, then, "To save the Skies 
And speed your Brush, I'll shut my Eyes." 

Now when her Eyes were closed, the Dear, 
Not dreaming of such Treachery, 

Felt a Soft Whisper in her Ear, 

"Without the Light, how can one See?" 

"If you are sure that none can see 

I'll keep them shut," said Phyllis Lee. 



[98] 



The Laughing Willow 



MRS. SEYMOUR FENTOLIN 

It was Mrs. Seymour Fentolin who stood there, a little dog 
under each arm; a large hat, gay with flowers, upon her 
head. She wore patent shoes with high heels, and white silk 
stockings. She had, indeed, the air of being dressed for 
luncheon at a fashionable restaurant. 

From a story in The Popular Magazine. 




The lauded lilies of the field 
Who toil not — neither do they spin. 
The palm sartorial must yield 
To Mrs. Seymour Fentolin. 



A hat, French heels, white stockings, 

dogs! 
Not even Solomon could win 
The championship for showy togs 
From Mrs. Seymour Fentolin. 



The two extremes in decollete, 
Of ballroom and of bathing beach, 
Here meet in a bewildering way 
And mingle all the charms of each. 

[99] 



The Laughing Willow 



MRS. SEYMOUR FENTOLIN— [Continued] 

I am no social butter-in, 

I do not crave to meet her bunch, 

But where does Mrs. Fentolin, 

If one might venture — take her lunch? 

And might one ask that peerless dame, 
Without appearing impolite, 
Is Seymour really her first name, 
And has the printer spelt it right? 



[ 100] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE DEVIL AMONG THE LADIES 



The Devil seeking some new way 
To kill eternity, one day 

(So bored he was, in Hades) 
Flew to Manhattan Isle to start 
A Summer School to teach the art 

Of Smuggling to Ladies. 

ii 
He opened in an uptown street 
A Modiste's shop refined and neat 
(The number doesn't matter), 
Displaying in his window all 
The Modes— Spring, Summer, Winter, 
Fall 

(Especially the latter). 

in 

The Ladies came in eager flocks, 
And as he showed his Paris frocks, 

With dext'rous verbal juggling, 
He lightly led the talk from Modes 
To Customs — and the law that goads 




An honest girl to smu 



ggling. 





[101] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE DEVIL AMONG THE LADIES— [Continued] 

IV 

"If Uncle Sam for Revenue, 

Dear Ladies, picks your pockets, you 

The compliment should bandy. 
Pray let me teach you how to pick 
The spangled pockets of that slick 

Avuncular old Dandy. 




"We can begin at once, if you 
Will step this way." The giddy crew 
Flocked after him like chickens 
[ 102] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE DEVIL AMONG THE LADIES— [Continued] 

To where an effigy there hung 
Of Uncle Sam with bells be-strung 
Like Fagin's doll in Dickens. 

VI 

The Devil then with money fills 

The dummy's pockets — gold and bills 

And silver pieces mingling. 
"Now try your skill ! all you can take 
Is yours, my dears, if you don't shake 

The bells and set them jingling." 




VII 



The news flew round, and soon the crush 
Was like a bargain-counter rush 
Of Frantic Ladies struggling; 



[ 103] 



The Laughing Willou 



THE DEVIL AMONG THE LADIES— [Continued] 

And soon the Devil was about 
A hundred thousand dollars out 

And closed his School of Smuggling. 

VIII 

Exclaiming, "I'm behind the age!" 
He kicked the dummy in his rage. 

"What's this — the bells don't jingle!" 
And sure enough the bells were dumb. 
Deftly inserted chewing gum 

Had stopped their tingle-tingle. 

IX 

"Ho! ho!" he laughed, " 'tis plain to see 
New York is too advanced for me. 

I should have stayed in Hades; 
For who the devil, pray, am I 
In this enlightened age to try 

My wit against the Ladies!" 



[ 104] 



The Laughing Willow 



spring 



By his cold hearth, sans Youth, sans Mirth, 
Sits poor old shivering Daddy Earth. 




A knock, a footstep on the floor. 
"Come in"' he growls — "and shut that door!" 

[105] 



The Laughing Willow 



SPRING— [Continued] 

Two soft hands on his eyelids press; 

A laughing voice : "Who am I? — guess!" 

" 'Tis Mistress Spring! Alas, my dear, 
You find me sadly changed, I fear." 




<^W^> 



"Cheer up !" cried Spring, "I bring for you 
The Spell of Youth : Gold— Silver— Blue." 
[106] 



The Laughing Willow 



SPRING— [Continued] 

Sun gold, sky turquoise, silver rain, 
And Daddy Earth was young again ! 

He danced, he sang: "Hail Spring divine! 
Ethereal Spring — h'm — wine? — pine — shine?' 1 

Too late the rhyme popped in his head; 
"Be mine!" he sang — but Spring had fled. 



[ 107] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE CATFISH 

The saddest fish that swims the briny ocean, 

The Catfish I bewail. 
I can not even think without emotion 

Of his distressful tail. 
When with my pencil once I tried to draw one, 

(I dare not show it here) 
Mayhap it is because I never saw one, 

The picture looked so queer. 
I vision him half feline and half fisny, 

A paradox in twins, 
Unmixable as vitriol and vichy — 

A thing of fur and fins. 
A feline Tantalus, forever chasing 

His fishy self to rend; 
His finny self forever self-effacing 

In circles without end. 
This tale may have a Moral running through it 

As iEsop had in his; 
If so, dear reader, you are welcome to it, 

If you know what it is ! 



[108] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE PRODIGAL CENTIPEDE 

Once to a Centipede a Snail 
Remarked, "I wonder why you trail 
Along the ground with such a lot 
of feet — a hundred, is it not? 
A hundred feet ! when two or three 
Are all you need. Just look at me ! 




The speed and ease with which I crawl, 
And yet I have no feet at all ! 
In these days would it not be wise 
For you to — well, to H oof evizeV 
You surely don't need more than two 
To get along ! If I were you, 
I'd use one pair and stand up straight, 
And save the other ninety-eight 
Against a rainy day." 



The Laughing Willow 



THE PRODIGAL CENTIPEDE— [Continued] 

'Indeed 
You're right !" replied the Centipede. 
"I've often thought, to do my part, 
'Twould be advisable to start 
A Feetless Day — but then, you see, 
If I stood upright I should be 
A hundred feet in height, and I 
Might bump my head against the sky !" 
"Well," said the Snail, "I must admit 
That puts a different face on it ! 
Your life depends on lying flat ! 
Dear! Dear! I hadn't thought of that!" 




<*-***~££V^> 



[no] 



The Laughing Willow 



A BALLADE OF BLACK SOCKS 

Plain Black socks can never be wrong. 

— The Gentleman of Letters 
in "Vanity Fair." 



Lords of Fashion may disagree 

On the question of questions, what to wear 
At dejeuner, dinner, dance or tea, 

"Feed informal" or "Smart affair." 
Let not the neophyte despair 

Dreading disdain of the gilded throng 
Hark to the dictum of Vanity Fair 

"Plain Black Socks can never be wrong." 

Let scribes sartorial decree 

Whether the "skirt" shall be full or spare, 
Whether the crease be above the knee, 

Whether the seam shall be here or there. 
Of the openwork sock with the clock beware ! 

On Fancy's rein let your curb be strong! 
Hark to the dictum of Vanity Fair, 

"Plain Black Socks can never be wrong." 

[ill] 



The Laughing Willow 



A BALLADE OF BLACK SOCKS— [Continued] 

Doubting dolts may be all at sea 

Tossed on tempestuous waves of care. 
Are they wearing two studs? — or one? — or three? 

Will a satin tie cause a well bred stare? 
Leave dressy deeds to dudes that dare! 

Heed not the scented siren's song 
Hark to the dictum of Vanity Fair, 

"Plain Black Socks can never be wrong." 

L'envoi 
Princes of Fashion, wherever ye fare — 
London, Paris, New York, Hong Kong, 
Hark to the dictum of Vanity Fair : 
"Plain Black Socks can never be wrong." 



[112] 



OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING 
MARK TWAIN 



OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING MARK TWAIN 




Horace 



THE GENTLEMAN OF LETTERS 

"How splendid to have men's attire treated by a gentleman 
and litterateur. — John Armstrong Chaloner. 

Ah me ! Had Horace when his muse was flagging, 
But given laughing Lalage a rest, 
And kept Maecenas' pantaloons from bagging, 
(Whatever 'twas he wore below his vest.) 

[115] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE GENTLEMAN OF LETTERS— [Continued] 




Moore 



If when his frisky Pegasus he mounted, 

He'd sung, instead of the eternal her 

The stylish him, he might have been accounted 

A gentleman as well as litterateur. 

If Shakespeare had abstained from malty liquors, 
And spent the time (when not purloining plays) 
In pressing Francis Bacon's velvet knickers 
He might thereby have gained a social raise. 

If Tommy Moore when not devoutly pressing 
His suit in amorous rhyme, had pressed instead 
His patrons lordly "pants," it is past guessing 
What titles had been showered on his head. 

[n6] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE GENTLEMAN OE LETTERS— [Continued] 

Had Bobby Burns renounced his Highland lassies, 
And tuned his pipes to "Gentlemen's attire," 
He might in time have risen from the masses 
And been addressed as Robert Burns, Esquire. 



If Hall Caine- 



but why drag in Hall Caine 4 ? 



Come, Chaloner, confess like a good feller 
By "Gentleman and litterateur" you meant 
The literary style of the Best Seller 
And the strictly pure refinement of the Gent. 



[117] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE WOMEN OF THE BETTER CLASS 

"The artists and writers were the first Americans to make 
themselves at home in this amusing Parisian resort. (The 
Old Cafe Martin.) And it was here, too, that women of the 
better class first tasted the delights of cafe life. It was 
considered quite a daring thing in the late eighties for be- 
cloaked and be-diamonded women of Fifth Avenue to sit 
here and sip their after-dinner coffee." 

Vanity Fair. 




One of those queer, artistic dives, 
Where funny people had their fling. 
Artists, and writers, and their wives — 
Poets, and all that sort of thing. 

[n8] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE WOMEN OF THE BETTER CLASS— [Continued] 

Here, too, to view the vulgar herd 
And sip the daring demi-tasse — 
Be-cloaked, be-diamonded, be-furred — 
Came women of the better class. 

With its Parisian atmosphere, 
It had a Latin Quarter ring. 
Painters and journalists came here — 
Actors, and all that sort of thing. 
Here, too, to watch the Great Ungroomed 
And sip the dangerous demi-tasse, 
Be-furred, be-feathered and be-plumed, 
Came women of the better class. 

Here Howells dined — Saint Gaudens, Nast, 
Kipling, Mark Twain and Peter Dunne, 
Nell Terry, and not least though last 
One Robert Louis Stevenson. 
And mingling with that underworld, 
To sip the devilish demi-tasse, 
Be-cloaked, be-diamonded, be-pearled, 
Came women of the better class. 

Like geese to see the lions fed, 
They came — be-je welled and be-laced, 
Only to find the lions fled. 
''My Word!" cried they, "What wretched taste!" 

[119] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE WOMEN OF THE BETTER CLASS- [Continued] 

Ermined and minked and Persian-lambed, 
Be-puffed (be-painted, too, alas!) 
Be-decked, be-diamonded — be-damned ! 
The women of the better class. 




[ 120] 



The Laughing Willow 



MARK TWAIN 

A Pipe Dream 

Well I recall how first I met 

Mark Twain — an infant barely three 

Rolling a tiny cigarette 

While cooing on his nurse's knee. 




[121] 



The Laughing Willow 



MARK TWAIN— [Continued] 

Since then in every sort of place 

I've met with Mark and heard him joke. 

Yet how can I describe his face*? 
I never saw it for the smoke. 




At school he won a smokers kip, 

At Harvard College (Cambridge, Mass.) 
His name was soon on every lip, 

They made him "smoker" of his class. 

Who will forget his smoking bout 
With Mount Vesuvius — our cheers — 

When Mount Vesuvius went out 
And didn't smoke again for years? 
[ 122] 



The Laughing Willow 



MARK TWAIN— [Continued] 

The news was flashed to England's King, 
Who begged Mark Twain to come and stay, 

Offered him dukedoms — anything 
To smoke the London fog away. 

But Mark was firm. "I bow," said he, 

"To no imperial command, 
No ducal .coronet for me, 

My smoke is for my native land!" 




For Mark there waits a brighter crown! 

When Peter comes his card to read — 
He'll take the sign "No Smoking" down, 

Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed. 

[ 123] 



The Laughing Willow 



PRINCE POMPOM 

Beneath a Fruitful Apple Tree 
Sate Pompom, youth of high degree, 
And Prince of Apple-Tartary ; 
While in the branches overhead 
The apples blushed with rapture red, 
As from a great book on his knees 
He read of the Hesperides, 
And how, to win the apples gold, 
One Hercules, a Hero bold, 
A hundred-headed Dragon slew. 
"How brave! How wonderful! How true!" 
Exclaimed the apples, flushed and red. 
"That proves what we have always said: 
We come of Ancient Pedigree ! 
We're of the Applestocracy ! 
Our title cannot be denied." 
*Whereat they swelled and swelled with Pride 
Until their High and Mighty Air 
Was more than Apple Tree could bear. 
"Come !" cried the Tree, "you must vacate 
My boughs — they will not bear your weight!" 
[ 124] 



The Laughing Willow 



PRINCE POMPOM— [Continued] 

Pride goes before a fall. 

Alas! 
Next morning, prone upon the grass, 
Blushing for shame, the Apples lay, 
And when Queen Pompom passed that way- 
She picked them up, and by and by 
She made them into Apple Pie. 



[125] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE SERIAL 

To the Tune of Tennyson 

I burst upon the reader's eye 

With verbal trumpet blaring, 
Proclaiming me the latest cry 

In fictionary daring* — 
Vital, compelling, hectic, rare, 

Heart-gripping, epoch-making ! 
A woman's naked soul laid bare, 

A climax record-breaking ! 
A quivering, pulsating plot, 

The mystery of a red room, 
A story to be read red hot 

In boudoir, bath or bedroom, 
An Eve, repentant, up to date, 

Confesses what her fall meant; 
You simply won't know how to wait 

Until the next installment. 

I come from heaven knows where — or when. 

My pedigree is shady. 
My father was a Fountain Pen; 

My mother, a Typelady, 

[126] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE SERIAL— [Continued] 

Who smote the keys from morn till night 
With fingers swift and taper, 

Till I appeared, all clean and bright, 
On reams of foolscap paper. 



And now in serial form I flow, 
And flout at style and diction, 

As like a babbling brook I go 
To join the Sea of Fiction. 



Some streams, I know, more deeply flow, 
And some for speed endeavor. 

Short stories come, short stories go, 
But I'll go on forever. 



I glitter like a foolish string 
Of pearls, with polish painful, 

With epigrams of doubtful ring 
And platitudes Hall-Caineful. 



And many a mood and tense amiss, 

And metaphor amuddle, 
And here and there a clinging kiss, 

And here and there a cuddle — 

[127] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE SERIAL— [Continued] 

And here and there a phrase in French, 
To give a touch linguisty; 

And here and there a Fisher wench, 
And here and there a Christy. 

And here and there and everywhere 
My thin stream slowly trickles 

'Twixt Bunk's Elixir for the Hair 
And Black and CroswelVs Pickles. 

And here a temperamental scene, 
Fervid, intense, Byronic — 

Tosses tempestuous between 

Ayre's Soap and Tinkham 9 s Tonic. 

A sprightly conversation's flow 

Is checked by Soak and Stingham's 

Pink Pills, to reappear below 
An ad for ladies' thingums. 

The well-known slip 'twixt cup and lip 
Here, too, finds confirmation — 

"He raised his glass" — Thy Anti-Grip! 
Beware of Imitations! 

[128] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE SERIAL— [Continued] 

— "Up to his lips; when on his wrist 

He felt a grip, steel-sinewed ; 
The glass fell, and a hoarse voice hissed 

The words" — To be Continued. 

Editorial Note 
Some streams, we know, more deeply flow, 

And some for speed endeavor. 
Short stories come, short stories go, 

But this goes on forever. 



[ 129] 



THE CLOUD 

An Idyll of the Western Front 

Scene : A wayside shrine in France. 
Persons: Celeste, Pierre, a Cloud. 

Celeste {gazing at the solitary white Cloud) : 
I wonder what your thoughts are, little Cloud, 
Up in the sky, so lonely and so proud ! 

Cloud: Not proud, dear maiden; lonely, if you 
will. 
Long have I watched you, sitting there so still 
Before that little shrine beside the way, 
And wondered where your thoughts might be 

astray ; 
Your knitting lying idle on your knees, 
And worse than idle — like Penelope's, 
Working its own undoing! 

Celeste (picks up her knitting) : Who was she? 
Saints! What a knot! — Who was Penelope? 
What happened to her knitting? Tell me, Cloud ! 

Cloud: She was a Queen; she wove her husband's 
shroud. 

Celeste (drops the knitting)' 

[ 130] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE CLOUD— [Continued] 

His shroud ! 

Cloud : There, there ! 'Twas only an excuse 

To put her lovers off, a wifely ruse, 
Bidding them bide till it was finished, she 
Each night the web unravelled secretly. 

Celeste: He came home safe 4 ? 

Cloud: If I remember right, 

It was the lovers needed shrouds that night! 
It is an old, old tale. I heard it through 
A Wind whose ancestor it was that blew 
Ulysses' ship across the purple sea 
Back to his people and Penelope. 
We Clouds pick up strange tales, as far and wide 
And to and fro above the world we ride, 
Across uncharted seas, upon the swell 
Of viewless waves and tides invisible, 
Freighted with friendly flood or forked flame, 
Knowing not whither bound nor whence we came ; 
Now drifting lonely, now a company 
Of pond'rous galleons — 

Celeste: Oft-times I see 

A Cloud, as by some playful fancy stirred, 
Take likeness of a monstrous beast or bird 
Or some fantastic fish, as though 'twere clay 
Moulded by unseen hands. 

Cloud: Then tell me, pray, 

[131] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE CLOUD— [Continued] 

What I resemble now ! 
Celeste: I scarcely know. 

But had you asked a little while ago, 

I should have said a camel; then your hump 

Dissolved, and you became a gosling plump, 

Downy and white and warm — 
Cloud: What! Warm, up here? 

Ten thousand feet above the earth! 
Celeste: Oh dear! 

What am I thinking of! Of course I know 

How cold it is. Pierre has told me so 

A thousand times. 
Cloud : And who is this Pierre 

That tells you all the secrets of the air? 

How came he to such frigid heights to soar? 
Celeste : Pierre's my — He is in the Flying Corps. 
Cloud: Ah, now I understand! And he's away? 
Celeste: He left at dawn, where for he would 
not say, 

Telling me only 'twas a bombing raid 

Somewhere — My God! What's that? 
Cloud: What, little maid? 

Celeste (pom ting) : . That — over there — beyond 

the wooded crest! 
Cloud: Only a skylark dropping to her nest; 

Her mate is hov'ring somewhere near. I heard 
[ 132] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE CLOUD— [Continued] 

His tremulous, song of love — 
Celeste: That was no bird! 

(Drops upon her knees.) 

Mary ! Blessed Mother ! Hear my prayer ! 
That one that fell — grant it was not Pierre ! 
Here is the cross my mother gave me — I 
Will burn the longest candle it will buy! 

Cloud : Courage, my child ! Your prayer will not 

be vain! 
Who guards the lark, will guide your lover's plane. 
The West Wind's calling. I must go! — Hark! 

There 
He sings again! Le bon Dieu garde^ ma chere! 

II 

Pierre : I made a perfect landing over there 

Behind the church — 
Celeste: The Virgin heard my prayer! 

Now I must burn the candle that I vowed — 
Pierre: Then 'twas our Blessed Lady sent that 
Cloud 

That saved me when the Boche came up behind. 

1 made a lightning turn, only to find 

The Boche on top of me. It seemed a kind 
Of miracle to see that Cloud — I swear 

[133] 



The Laughing Willow 



THE CLOUD— [Continued] 

A moment past the sky was everywhere 
As clear as clear; there was no Cloud in sight. 
It looked to me, floating there calm and white. 
Like a great mother hen, and I a chick. 
She seemed to call me, and I scurried quick 
Behind her wing. That spoiled the Boche's game, 
And gave me time to turn and take good aim. 
I emptied my last drum, and saw him drop 
Ten thousand feet in flames — 

Celeste {shuddering) : Stop! Pierre, stop! 

Maybe a girl is waiting for him too — 

Pierre: 'Twas either him or me — 

Celeste: Thank God, not you! 

Pierre {pointing to the church) : Come, let us burn 
the candle that you vowed. 

Celeste: Two candles! 

Pierre: Who's the other for? 

Celeste: The Cloud! 



finis 



[134] 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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